August 26, 2011

Jour Apres Lunes, a French company, has released a clothing line called, loungerie, for little girls 4-12 years old. Photos for the new line feature girls in makeup, ladies jewelry, teased hair, and lingerie styles for women, including black lace panties and skimpy tops that look like bras (jours-apres-lunes.com). This marketing ploy joins a host of other products and media messages that sexualize girls, such as the popular Bratz dolls, marketed for 4 to 8 year old girls, a provocative photo of Miley Cyrus in New Yorker Magazine (June 2008 issue), video and music entertainment’s portrayal of women as sex objects, “sexy” clothing marketed for children, surgical alternatives to teens for physical augmentation, and desensitization of human value through pornography and sexual abuse of children.

The age of innocence is past as today’s society bombards young females with sexual messages at a tender age. Sexualization of girls involves linking one’s value as a person to sexual attractiveness or behavior, thinking of a person as a sex object and making inappropriate sexual demands on girls.(see the APA report on Sexualization of Girls, 2010 www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report-full.pdf)

Studies show the negative consequences of sexualization of girls involve their ability to learn, physical and mental health, sexual health and moral beliefs. When girls are focused on physical sexual appeal and body awareness, their capacity for learning and attention to learning is adversely affected. They simply focus on pleasing and attracting boys rather than concentrating on academics. They perceive their value is derived in relationships with the opposite sex rather than their own individual abilities. Mental and emotional consequences of sexualization include anxiety, shame, self-disgust, low self-esteem and depressive tendencies. Self-injurious behaviors such as cutting and eating disorders are examples of physical consequences of sexualization. Because of improperly thinking they are sex objects and diminishing their value as a person, girls are less likely to develop a healthy sexuality. They are also less likely to protect themselves from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections and are more prone to unhealthy attitudes about sex in a long-term relationship when they become women. Sexualization of girls also affects the culture in general because young women are less likely to excel academically or pursue professional careers because of poor self-esteem. On the other side of the coin, men, are negatively influenced through media attention of demoralization of women through violence, victimization and pornography. Men may have more difficulty finding a suitable life partner because of inaccurate beliefs and values of women.

To counter negative influences of media toward the sexualization of girls, we must “sound off” our disgust of such humor depicting girls as sex objects. Turn off the programs and write to the sponsors. Ratings and advertising are powerful tools controlled by us, the consumers. When we don’t watch a show or purchase CD’s, DVD’s or downloads that are offensive to females, the program producers will change their content.

We must be involved in creating an environment for girls that enhances their self worth, encourages their individual value through musical talent, sports, the arts, academics, and moral character. Girls learn self control and self empowerment through education. Positive role models should be encouraged rather than inappropriate entertainment that devalues women. Limit unsuitable media to young girls so they are not exposed to sexual messages. Children are vulnerable to every influence around them and need a positive and supportive environment for good mental health development. Parents need to talk to girls about sex at an appropriate age. Studies show that when a parent and child communicate feelings and needs appropriately, a parent’s influence is greater.

With internet information available at the touch of a computer key or cell phone, kids are inundated with messages that can influence their thinking both positively and negatively. Adults must be vigilant about insuring that messages are age appropriate and positive for kids. Girls are specifically targeted by media messages of sexualization at an early age. Sexualization of girls through pornography, music and video entertainment, sexually suggestive advertising, marketing adult type clothing for little girls and raw humor is devastating to the development of healthy young women.
Appropriate role models and communication of self worth through participation in sports, arts, character education, music and academics must be provided to protect the health and well being of little girls.


Susan B. McConnell

The car was packed that warm September day as I was checking off the list of items I would need for my dorm room. I was excited about going away to college but apprehensive about leaving my family.

I was thankful Dad did not follow me to the car and that I did not see his tears because I might have changed my mind. That moment of watching me leave for college was almost as difficult for him as walking me down the aisle the day I got married.

Precious memories of my growing up years with Dad remind me of the life lessons he taught me:

Love your family. My dad loved his family: mom, my sister, brother and me. As a blue collar employee, he worked hard to support our family and spend time on vacations with us each year.

Believe in yourself. Dad gave me confidence that I could do anything I set my mind to achieve. He demonstrated faith in my abilities and challenged me to be my best.

Value education. As difficult as it was for him to let me leave for college, he was the reason I went. He always encouraged me to get a degree, even though he had left college to join the military.

Be honest. My parents would not tolerate deceitfulness and dad exhibited honor in business and family relationships.

Live your faith. Although my dad worked shift work and was unable to attend church every Sunday, he and mom agreed that she would take us. He would frequently play the piano and sing his favorite hymns when he was home from work.

Be responsible for yourself. Dad believed every person should be responsible for supporting himself. Even when his union was on strike, he worked other jobs to support his family.

Be committed to family. Life was not always easy for my parents but their commitment to their children kept them together until my dad died prematurely at age 52.

Being a dad is the most important job a man can achieve. He influences the next generation of men and women through his example of love, commitment and teaching. Even though he has been gone for 31 years, my dad’s legacy lives on through me and my children.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads who are building a legacy with your children. Always know how important you are to your children and that your influence carries on to future generations.

The Great State of Football

Ranked 23rd and 22nd respectively in the USA Coaches Poll and the AP Poll in pre-season, the Auburn Tigers won the BCS National Championship. Who would have predicted that one? Somewhere between September and November, all the teams, with the exception of Oregon and TCU, lost at least one game, which brought Auburn and Oregon to the BCS Title game in Phoenix on January 10, 2011.

Avid football fans should not have been surprised. The SEC (Southeastern Conference for those not familiar with college football terms) had won the four previous BCS Championships: Florida (twice), LSU, and Alabama. Although Auburn had not won a national title since 1957, they had been undefeated twice in the last twenty years, both in 1993 (on probation) and 2004 (the USC- Reggie Bush year).

Football in the South is big. We live our lives in the fall around our team’s schedule. Loyal football families don’t schedule weddings or birthing babies during football season unless it can be done at a tailgate party on game day. Deaths are something we can’t control but we strongly discourage it during the months of September, October and November. With the SEC Championship game the first weekend in December, Christmas comes close to interfering with our love for football. In fact, there were 35 bowl games in December and January, including one on Christmas Eve and one the day after Christmas.

Football fanaticism in the south borders on insanity. But we can’t help it. We have been raised to love (and play) football since we were very young. Even though I didn’t go to my first college game until I was actually enrolled as a student at the university, I made sure my children started early. Our babies each attended their first football game at six weeks of age (the doctor would not let me travel with them before then). Consequently, both of my children are loyal fans (and graduates).

Although it may sound blasphemous, let me suggest that football is more than just a game played on a one hundred yard field with goal posts on either end. When we glimpse into the lives of players off the field, we realize football is a tool for teaching kids and college students important life lessons. They learn about hard work, integrity, commitment, teamwork, loyalty, and discipline. College teams usually have a chaplain who also provides spiritual guidance for these athletes. For many students, football becomes their reason to stay in school and achieve a meaningful education. It also provides positive relationships with coaches and peers who may offer guidance that students may not receive at home. For a small number of players, it becomes a professional career.

Coach Gene Chizik, head football coach at Auburn, described his national championship team as having a “sense of chemistry” that he had never seen before. He gave credit to God, his team and fans. Heisman Trophy winner and quarterback, Cam Newton, called the championship win as a “God thing”. He stated that he is God’s instrument and God took something bad and made it really great. Let me explain what he meant. Cam Newton, who played high school football in Georgia, signed with the University of Florida as a quarterback. He saw limited playing time because he played behind Tim Tebow, also a Heisman winning quarterback. As a student at the University of Florida, Newton was arrested for possession of a stolen computer and decided to transfer to Blinn College in Texas where he led his football team to the 2009 NJCAA Football Championship. Before signing with Auburn, Cam’s father solicited money from Mississippi State in exchange for Cam signing with them. The NCAA investigated this and ruled that Cecil Newton asked for money without Cam's or Auburn’s knowledge. They did limit Cecil Newton’s access to sporting events. Cam completed his inaugural season at Auburn as the Heisman Trophy winner and quarterback of the BCS National Championship team. Both celebrations were experienced without his father at his side. In his Heisman acceptance speech, he stated he loves his dad very much and acknowledged his support throughout his life.


Oregon’s quarterback, Darron Thomas, had a similar story. He was raised by a single mother in Houston, Texas, who worked at Target to support her family. She encouraged Darron to get a college degree. He was recruited by LSU who discussed using Darron as a receiver instead of a quarterback because of his quick running. He de-committed from LSU and began talking to Oregon at the urging of his high school coach. After signing with Oregon, he played behind Jeremiah Masoli, who had a promising career as quarterback so Thomas was red-shirted in 2009. In the summer of 2010, Thomas was a passenger in Masoli’s car when they were pulled over by police for leaving a gas station without paying. Marijuana was found in the glove compartment but Masoli testified that Thomas was not guilty in the incident. Masoli was kicked off the team and Thomas became the starting quarterback at Oregon. In a pre-game interview for the BCS National Championship, Thomas said he learned a lesson about being in the right place at the right time and doing the right thing on and off the field.

Football has also influenced Mark Ingram, Jr., the University of Alabama’s star running back, who won the 2009 Heisman Trophy. His father, a former Michigan State and NFL football player, did not attend the Trophy ceremony or the 2009 Championship season games because he was incarcerated on bank fraud and money laundering charges. Ingram said his father has always believed in his abilities as a running back and expected more of him than he did of himself. He credits his father with teaching him everything he knows about football and talks about his father without judging his actions that have led to his prison sentence. To Mark Ingram, Jr., he is still “dad”. Even though his father is incarcerated and has limited influence on his life, Ingram, has found mentors and role models through his teammates, coaches and friends at the University of Alabama, who believe in him and encourage him to be his best.

As we consider the life changing stories of football players, may we focus on more than the wins and losses, bad coaching calls, busted plays and obnoxious fans. What really matters is the lives that are changed and influenced off the field because of the sport of football. These nineteen to twenty-two year old young men who play the game learn valuable life lessons that they will carry with them throughout their lives.

Back to back BCS National Champions and Heisman Trophy winners for the state of Alabama are quite an accomplishment and exemplify the strength of football in the state and in the south. But it is more than a game. Football teaches young people the keys to successful living. Hopefully, as football fans (and even fanatics), we will learn the same lessons as we hear their stories of success both on and off the field.

I knew it was coming. Although I don’t have the BRCA gene, my family has a strong history of breast cancer. Annual mammograms have been part of my routine since I was 40 years old. But I kept thinking, “I have more time.” A breast cancer diagnosis is never convenient. I was busy working, writing, helping my pregnant daughter with her active toddler, and participating in civic and church organizations. So when the diagnosis came, I was not ready for it.

The last eight months of my life have been turned upside down by the diagnosis of breast cancer. Biopsies, numerous physician appointments, two surgeries and sixteen weeks of chemotherapy have taken total control of my life. Prior to the diagnosis, I was a physically healthy woman. The protocol for treatment is necessary to rid one’s body of tumors detected and microscopic cells that are not detected. I would not wish this diagnosis of breast cancer on my worst enemy.

Not only has it changed my physical activities but the life threatening diagnosis also changed my priorities in life. I am blessed with a huge support system of family and friends who have encouraged me through this process. Cherishing these relationships has become more important to me. Appreciating the simple things in life, i.e., a beautiful sunny day, flowers in bloom, a cup of coffee, a good book to read, and not sweating the small inconveniences are lessons learned through this ordeal.

As I look around me, I realize that statistics show 1 out of 6 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. If affects virtually every family. My mother, aunt and grandmother all had bilateral mastectomies in their 50’s and 60’s. They all survived. In fact, my mother celebrated her 80th birthday this week. That fact causes me to look to the future for my younger sister, daughter, two young granddaughters and nieces. We have lots of girls in our family who are strong and assertive but I don’t want them to experience what my mom and I have experienced.

As breast cancer research continues, my hope is that the next generation of women will not experience what I have gone through and that a cure will be discovered. That’s why it is important to keep awareness at the forefront of our thoughts, keep research funded and respond to recommendations scientists relate to better breast health. Exercise, healthy eating, weight control, routine self breast exams and mammograms should be part of every woman’s routine. Until there is a cure, we must all keep fighting the battle for the cure.

My heartfelt gratitude is expressed to people across our nation who are involved this month in activities that raise awareness of breast cancer. Corporations, civic and social organizations, athletic teams, health professionals and everyday people are involved in activities in support of breast cancer research.

Teenagers begin drinking at an early age, many consuming their first drink around twelve years of age. Some studies show, however, that one third of fourth graders and more than half of sixth graders say they have been pressured by friends to drink alcohol. By the time they are high school seniors, more than 80% of students say they have used alcohol. Teenagers who begin drinking before age fifteen are four times more likely to become alcoholics. Alcohol consumption has also been linked to as many as two thirds of all date rapes and sexual assaults. Alcohol is the number one killer of teenagers in automobile accidents. Consequences of teenage drinking are far reaching and can be devastating to individual teens and the culture.

Peer pressure is the number one reason that teens drink alcohol. The need for social acceptance among peer groups is tremendous and kids will engage in many behaviors in which parents may not approve in order to be accepted by a social group. Drinking is the most common behavior. Alcohol is easily accessible. Most teens will say that they get alcohol from friends or family, can easily purchase their own alcohol at certain stores and have access to fake identification cards. Surveys indicate that boredom, stress, and thrill seeking are also reasons teens drink. Divorce, job loss, death or serious illness of a parent or sibling, change of school or residence, and drug use are all issues that bring anxiety and stress to teens. Unsupervised teens that are bored or impulsive are more likely to engage in delinquent behavior. Juvenile authorities tell us that most juvenile crimes occur between three and seven in the evening when children and teens are unsupervised.

A recent study by the Century Council found that nearly half of all mothers think underage drinking is acceptable in certain circumstances and expected to occur during the teen years. The study also noted that mothers underestimate the occurrence of underage drinking among their own daughters and misjudge the seriousness of the issue. That is why parents’ attitude and actions matter. When we convey an attitude of acceptance, teens will think it is o.k. Parents’ attitude is the key to deterrence of underage drinking. Studies show teens that have a healthy relationship with parents are less likely to drink.

Underage drinking can result in a variety of consequences: academic failure, social problems (such as running around with the wrong group of friends), physical problems, sexual activity, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, memory impairment, increased risk of suicide, car wrecks, and injury or death as a result of alcohol use and abuse. Another consequence of underage drinking is the link to later addiction. The younger a teen begins drinking the greater the chance of alcohol abuse later in life. Other factors related to the probability of alcohol use are genetic factors and impulsivity and aggressiveness of children.

Recent discoveries in brain development have emphasized that brain maturation in teenagers is not complete in some areas of the brain until the young adult reaches the mid- twenties. Areas affected include the pre-frontal cortex and hippocampus. These areas affect learning, judgment and memory and were found to be smaller in alcoholic dependent seventeen-year-olds. The effect of alcohol on learning, judgment and memory during the teen years should be a major deterrent for alcohol use.

These are many reasons parents should be vigilant in teaching teens about the dangers of alcohol use. Start early talking about alcohol and its dangers. School age children can begin to learn the health consequences of alcohol use as they learn to protect their own bodies. By the time kids are in middle school they need to know how to say “no” to peers who offer them a drink. Unless a parent accompanies a teen 24 hours a day, he cannot stop a teen from drinking. But parents can make a difference in a teenager’s choice to drink alcohol. A parent’s attitude and actions toward drinking can influence a teen’s decision to drink. What can parents do to minimize the likelihood that their teen will participate? Below are some suggestions to parents to discourage teens from drinking alcohol:

1. Convey a “no tolerance” policy for drinking. It is against the law for anyone under the age of 21 to drink in our state. That should be enough reason for parents to say “no” to underage drinking. Most cities have ordinances against underage drinking parties in private homes. Parents can be fined or serve jail time for allowing alcohol to be consumed in their homes.
2. Never leave your home unattended overnight. Your teen may not be a party animal, but it is likely that other teens who know the parents are out of town may come (invited or not) and turn your home or just your yard into a party place. Parents are liable for what happens even if they are not at home.
3. Don’t be afraid to check on where your teens are going. Many times a teen will say “my friend is having a party” and “yes, the parents are going to be home.” Call and check with parents to make sure the party will be chaperoned and that alcohol will not be allowed.
4. Network with other parents to provide safe places for teens to gather. Make sure that other parents are not allowing teens to drink on their property. Agree to notify one another if parents become aware that a teen is drinking.
5. Talk to your teenager about the dangers of underage drinking, i.e. impaired judgment, death, addiction, illegal behavior, sexual assault, a juvenile record. Show them newspaper articles about alcohol related deaths and statistical studies about teenage alcohol use. This provides credibility to information you are telling them.
6. Talk to your teens about having fun without engaging in behavior that is dangerous and/or illegal. Encourage activities that will allow them to have fun without the pressures of drinking. Encourage after school activities in which they can have fun and excel.
7. Listen to your teens. Let them talk to you about pressures they encounter and help them make good decisions. Encourage them and build their self confidence with your attitude and love for them.
8. Don’t drink in front of your teenagers. They are pressured enough without having to watch parents drink in front of them. If you choose to drink, show them you can drink responsibly and can abstain when appropriate. Lock up liquor in your home. Better yet, do not keep liquor in your home while your minor children are living with you.
9. Report to the police any underage drinking parties in your neighborhood.
10. Make agreements with teens about privileges, such as driving a car and going out with friends, that can be suspended if a teen is caught drinking.
11. Teaching children age appropriate facts concerning alcohol use will educate children about the dangers. Talking to kids about how to say “no” when someone offers them a drink will equip them to handle the situation when parents are not around.

Parents can influence the decision of teens to drink by their responsible actions as parents and attitudes toward drinking and obeying law. Parents’ attitude toward alcohol abuse is a powerful tool in preventing it in their children. Be vigilant in preventing underage drinking. It could save lives.

What does “sexualization” mean? Inappropriate sexualization involves the following actions or beliefs:

1. Linking one’s value as a person to sexual attractiveness or behavior.
2. Holding a person to a standard of being sexy.
3. “Objectifying” a person or oneself, that is, thinking of a person or self as an object for someone else’s personal gratification.
4. Imposing inappropriate sexual demands on another person, especially children.

Studies show the negative consequences of sexualization of girls involve learning ability, physical and mental well being, healthy sexuality and healthy attitudes and beliefs. When girls are focused on physical sexual appeal and body awareness, their capacity for learning and concentration is negatively affected. Anxiety, shame, self-disgust, low self-esteem and depressive tendencies are mental and emotional consequences of sexualization. Eating disorders and other self-injurious behaviors, such as cutting, are examples of physical consequences. Girls also are adversely affected in their ability to develop a healthy sexuality because of improperly thinking they are sex objects and diminishing their value as a person. These girls are less likely to protect themselves from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections and less likely to develop a healthy attitude for sex in a long-term relationship in womanhood.

Sexualization of girls also affects society in general because young women are less likely to assert themselves in technical careers or excel academically because of poor self-esteem issues. Men, on the other hand, have difficulty finding a suitable female partner because of their own negative attitudes influenced by media demoralizing the value of women through violence, victimization and pornography. Older adult women continue to try to meet standards of sexuality learned in teen years and struggle with changes in their physical body as the aging processing continues which may explain why some older women still dress like teenage girls. They are less satisfied with themselves because their sense of self worth is linked to their physical attractiveness.

How do we protect girls from inappropriate sexualization?
Parents must be involved in creating an environment in which girls are encouraged to see value in their individuality. Girls must be protected from inappropriate sexual messages and taught age appropriate information about sex.

1. Parents and other adult mentors should emphasize individual strengths through sports, music, arts, academics and character. Participation in sports helps a girl see value in what her body can achieve physically. She learns to develop her body from the inside out through exercise and healthy eating. Music and the arts help a girl learn to be creative and affirm value in other ways. Emphasizing character can help a girl see value in who she is as a person. Emphasize the value of kindness, patience, compassion, assertiveness, truth, respect, and self-control.
2. Look for appropriate role models that girls can emulate. Look for appropriate role models in media to replace inappropriate entertainment. Explore options in the local community through church, civic groups or nonprofit organizations that involve women and girls who excel and can positively influence girls. Mobile is fortunate to host the America’s Junior Miss Program that is a wonderful example of appropriate role models for girls.
3. Limit inappropriate media to young girls. The “garbage in, garbage out” theory applies especially to children. In other words, what goes in their minds influences attitudes and actions. If girls are exposed to inappropriate sexual messages, then they will begin to meet that expectation for themselves. Watch television and movies with kids and monitor internet use so that discussion can occur about appropriate social interactions. Kids need to learn to think critically about what they see and hear and realize that not all behavior is appropriate. Parents hold the primary responsibility to teach moral values to kids and help them discern what is appropriate.
4. Talk to them about sex. Parents matter in influencing children about sex, especially in the eight to twelve year range before they are influenced by peers. When age appropriate information is presented from parents, kids will listen and be more likely to talk to parents about sex and will have a healthy attitude about sex.

Today’s worldwide resources through quickly advancing communication systems bombard kids with messages that can influence their thinking. Parents must be vigilant to make sure that messages are age appropriate and positive for kids. Girls are particularly influenced by media messages of sexualization at an early age. Provide appropriate role models and communicate self worth through participation in sports, arts, character education, music and academics. Encourage girls to investigate self worth and focus on achieving for themselves rather than meeting another’s expectations through sexualization.

I found this story on the internet about how not to communicate. “A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first person to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 a.m.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife had not wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up.” The silent treatment is not the best way to effectively get your point across to someone! Neither is retaliation!

Effective communication is important. The quality of life is based on being able to communicate ideas and feelings. In our jobs, communication skills may be more important than the job skill we perform. We must be able to effectively communicate with others, regardless of the type job or profession in which you work.

Families must learn to communicate effectively to enhance relationships. Think about how people learn to communicate. We imitate what we hear and see from the time we are born. If we are not taught to communicate properly with others, we will suffer in our relationships. Words have power to destroy or control another person. Verbal abuse, ridicule, sexual/racial harassment, cursing, lying are all inappropriate ways to use words. Poor communication skills lead to conflict. Conflict in a marriage leads to a difficult marriage relationship or divorce.

Words that encourage or affirm others will strengthen relationships and build self-esteem. Think about how you feel when someone compliments you on the outfit you are wearing or a task completed. We all like to hear positive words and should make the effort to encourage others with our words. Effective communication is a LEARNED behavior. Our words reveal our character. We are what we think about so THINK before you speak. Focusing on better communication will build better relationships.

When conflict occurs, how do we handle it? Yelling? Sulking? Retaliating? Lying? Conflict must be resolved in an appropriate way so that the problem can be solved. How do we fight fair? Here are several points to help in conflict resolution:

1. Is the issue really that important? Or is it something you can overlook? Decide if you are really angry or simply annoyed? Exactly what is it that you dislike? Do you really want this change or do you just want to pick a fight to hurt the other person?
2. Decide when and where to confront. If it’s not a major issue, perhaps it can be discussed over the phone. Emotionally charged issues can be addressed in carefully written letters or notes that may be more effective in bringing out a solution. Time can be given to writing down thoughts, expressing concerns, and offering solutions especially when emotions are high. Letters can convey the message without the emotion attached to them (unless you highlight, use bold print, or exclamation marks!). If the conflict is significant and emotional control is a concern, make arrangements to meet the person in a neutral environment—restaurant, library, etc. so you’re more likely to be on your best behavior and not elevate your voice. Set a time to deal with the conflict soon after the conflict occurs so that you don’t hold in the frustration, allow it to build, and then blow up at a later time when several issues need resolving.
3. State the problem clearly and simply. Focus on the behavior without attacking the person. For example, the problem may be a parent’s tardiness in picking up children. You might say, “I have a problem with the children’s visitation on weekends being changed or cancelled without adequate notice.” You have stated the problem in one sentence and not attacked the person. If you say, “You are so irresponsible. You better be here at 6 pm to pick up the children on your weekend or send somebody else for them, no excuses,” the other person will become defensive and respond to your criticisms of them as a person rather than your concerns.
4. Share your feelings appropriately. Use “I” messages to describe how you feel: hurt, angry, disappointed, confused. Say, “I am really annoyed when you call me on Friday afternoon and say you can’t keep the kids this weekend.” Take responsibility for your feelings and solicit help to change those feelings. “What can we do to change this situation so that I am not angry and the kids’ schedules are not changed at the last minute?” Avoid “you” messages that place blame and cause the person being criticized to be defensive, such as, “You are being unfair and irresponsible when you don’t keep the kids when it is your weekend.” “You” messages place blame and put up a wall of defense against you. The person will defend the critical words rather than try to change the behavior.
5. State clearly a solution or proposal to solve the problem. Be specific about a solution. “I need you to call me on Monday morning if you are not going to keep the kids the coming weekend and let’s discuss possible care options, can you do that?”
6. Outline consequences. Describe any practical benefit for change. For example, you may say, “If you can’t keep them on your weekend, we need to talk about this early. In the event that I have already made plans for the weekend, we can be assured that the kids are cared for. Maybe we can come up with an alternate plan.” Don’t make empty threats or predict dire consequences that are out of proportion to the problem. Ex. “If you can’t keep them on your weekend, they will just have to stay at your house anyway by themselves. I have other plans. Maybe they won’t get into any trouble.”
7. Allow time for a response. Ask for a response that is directed to a proposal for change. If a verbal attack or hostility is the response, re-affirm your need for a proposed solution to the problem. If the person is in agreement to your solution, re-state the problem and solution to clarify. If “no” is the answer, offer another solution or ask for possible suggestions. If an agreement can’t be met, take time out. Agree to meet again and discuss it. Set a time and place in the near future. Ask the person to help you think about a resolution. Discuss it the next time you meet.

Resolving conflict depends on the person you are dealing with, how you communicate with each other, specific personality types, emotions involved, the seriousness of the conflict and other factors. It also requires listening to discern the other person’s feelings.

Communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our waking hours communicating. It consists of reading, writing, listening and speaking. The ability to do these things well is absolutely critical to our effectiveness as communicators. We must recognize that speaking and listening are equally important in communication. When conflict occurs, think about the guidelines listed to help you effectively communicate the problem and brainstorm a solution.

Tiger Woods’ words are an awesome tribute to a father who dedicated his life to raising his son. Earl Woods said his purpose in raising Tiger was not to produce a good golfer but rather a good person. He achieved that goal through support, guidance, discipline and love for his son.

The son Earl Woods raised has influenced thousands of people through his career in golf and the charitable foundation that bears his name. Not many fathers will have the opportunity to raise a Tiger Woods—a man whose name has become familiar to most American households whether or not one is a golfer.

But every father has the opportunity to raise a great son—a son with the same characteristics: discipline, honor, respect, compassion, ambition, “a good person”, as Earl Woods described his role as a father.

When my own dad died when I was twenty-five years old, I committed my life to making him proud and to live as he taught me. He was one of those dads who loved his family and taught each child to be responsible, independent and trustworthy. His legacy continues through the lives of his children and grandchildren.

The impact of a father on a child’s life can not be replaced with any other relationship. A dad thinks differently than a mother and can inherently teach a son to become a man. Dads are needed to show boys how to become men: how to lead and make good decisions, love a woman, support a family, show accountability for actions, develop character, and how to leave a legacy for their own children.

Societal influences in today’s culture to do provide adequate role models for boys to emulate. That is why dads are so important to the raising of children, besides the fact that parents have the most influence with their children in a loving, nurturing home environment. Many role models that kids idolize today are sports figures, politicians, rock stars, and actors whose popularity in media is born out of sexual prowess, drug use, violence against women, and unlawful conduct. Real men protect the welfare of children and women and model integrity. Real men love their children and teach their sons character, integrity and goals for life.

No parent is perfect and will make mistakes. But children are the most forgiving people in the world because they long for the love of parents. Don’t let mistakes cause a parent to let go of the task of parenting. Say “I’m sorry. I haven’t been a very good parent”. Start over. Become involved in a child’s life by loving and nurturing that child.

The challenge of parenting is enhanced when one parent does not live in the home. But the need for that relationship is just as great and a parent’s positive influence is just as important. Dads who live away from their children still need to continue to build relationships with them by being involved in their lives.

Raising a son is a lifelong commitment to loving, nurturing and teaching a child to become a good person. When dad is committed to a child’s well being, greatness will come. His name may never be printed on a newspaper headline or become a household name but his influence in his own world will be noticed and, like Earl Woods legacy, may influence another young man to greatness.

Our society is in desperate need of more fathers (and father figures) committed to raising good sons. As we celebrate Father’s Day, think of the people in life who have positively influenced you. Take time to say “thanks” and continue that legacy of giving and loving and teaching through the life of a child. If you are a father who has not been successful as a good role model, take heart, and re-commit today to raising a good child. A father’s legacy is never forgotten and lives on through generations.

Teenagers begin drinking at an early age, many consuming their first drink around twelve years of age. Some studies show, however, that one third of fourth graders and more than half of sixth graders say they have been pressured by friends to drink alcohol. By the time they are high school seniors, more than 80% of students say they have used alcohol. Teenagers who begin drinking before age fifteen are four times more likely to become alcoholics. Alcohol consumption has also been linked to as many as two thirds of all date rapes and sexual assaults. Alcohol is the number one killer of teenagers in automobile accidents. Consequences of teenage drinking are far reaching and can be devastating to individual teens and the culture.

Peer pressure is the number one reason that teens drink alcohol. The need for social acceptance among peer groups is tremendous and kids will engage in many behaviors in which parents may not approve in order to be accepted by a social group. Drinking is the most common behavior. Alcohol is easily accessible. Most teens will say that they get alcohol from friends or family, can easily purchase their own alcohol at certain stores and have access to fake identification cards. Surveys indicate that boredom, stress, and thrill seeking are also reasons teens drink. Divorce, job loss, death or serious illness of a parent or sibling, change of school or residence, and drug use are all issues that bring anxiety and stress to teens. Unsupervised teens that are bored or impulsive are more likely to engage in delinquent behavior. Juvenile authorities tell us that most juvenile crimes occur between three and seven in the evening when children and teens are unsupervised.

A recent study by the Century Council found that nearly half of all mothers think underage drinking is acceptable in certain circumstances and expected to occur during the teen years. The study also noted that mothers underestimate the occurrence of underage drinking among their own daughters and misjudge the seriousness of the issue. That is why parents’ attitude and actions matter. When we convey an attitude of acceptance, teens will think it is o.k. Parents’ attitude is the key to deterrence of underage drinking. Studies show teens that have a healthy relationship with parents are less likely to drink.

Underage drinking can result in a variety of consequences: academic failure, social problems (such as running around with the wrong group of friends), physical problems, sexual activity, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, memory impairment, increased risk of suicide, car wrecks, and injury or death as a result of alcohol use and abuse. Another consequence of underage drinking is the link to later addiction. The younger a teen begins drinking the greater the chance of alcohol abuse later in life. Other factors related to the probability of alcohol use are genetic factors and impulsivity and aggressiveness of children.

Recent discoveries in brain development have emphasized that brain maturation in teenagers is not complete in some areas of the brain until the young adult reaches the mid- twenties. Areas affected include the pre-frontal cortex and hippocampus. These areas affect learning, judgment and memory and were found to be smaller in alcoholic dependent seventeen-year-olds. The effect of alcohol on learning, judgment and memory during the teen years should be a major deterrent for alcohol use.

These are many reasons parents should be vigilant in teaching teens about the dangers of alcohol use. Start early talking about alcohol and its dangers. School age children can begin to learn the health consequences of alcohol use as they learn to protect their own bodies. By the time kids are in middle school they need to know how to say “no” to peers who offer them a drink. Unless a parent accompanies a teen 24 hours a day, he cannot stop a teen from drinking. But parents can make a difference in a teenager’s choice to drink alcohol. A parent’s attitude and actions toward drinking can influence a teen’s decision to drink. What can parents do to minimize the likelihood that their teen will participate? Below are some suggestions to parents to discourage teens from drinking alcohol:

1. Convey a “no tolerance” policy for drinking. It is against the law for anyone under the age of 21 to drink in our state. That should be enough reason for parents to say “no” to underage drinking. Most cities have ordinances against underage drinking parties in private homes. Parents can be fined or serve jail time for allowing alcohol to be consumed in their homes.

2. Never leave your home unattended overnight. Your teen may not be a party animal, but it is likely that other teens who know the parents are out of town may come (invited or not) and turn your home or just your yard into a party place. Parents are liable for what happens even if they are not at home.

3. Don’t be afraid to check on where your teens are going. Many times a teen will say “my friend is having a party” and “yes, the parents are going to be home.” Call and check with parents to make sure the party will be chaperoned and that alcohol will not be allowed.

4. Network with other parents to provide safe places for teens to gather. Make sure that other parents are not allowing teens to drink on their property. Agree to notify one another if parents become aware that a teen is drinking.

5. Talk to your teenager about the dangers of underage drinking, i.e. impaired judgment, death, addiction, illegal behavior, sexual assault, a juvenile record. Show them newspaper articles about alcohol related deaths and statistical studies about teenage alcohol use. This provides credibility to information you are telling them.

6. Talk to your teens about having fun without engaging in behavior that is dangerous and/or illegal. Encourage activities that will allow them to have fun without the pressures of drinking. Encourage after school activities in which they can have fun and excel.

7. Listen to your teens. Let them talk to you about pressures they encounter and help them make good decisions. Encourage them and build their self confidence with your attitude and love for them.

8. Don’t drink in front of your teenagers. They are pressured enough without having to watch parents drink in front of them. If you choose to drink, show them you can drink responsibly and can abstain when appropriate. Lock up liquor in your home. Better yet, do not keep liquor in your home while your minor children are living with you.

9. Report to the police any underage drinking parties in your neighborhood.

10. Make agreements with teens about privileges, such as driving a car and going out with friends, that can be suspended if a teen is caught drinking.

11.Teaching children age appropriate facts concerning alcohol use will educate children about the dangers. Talking to kids about how to say “no” when someone offers them a drink will equip them to handle the situation when parents are not around.

Parents can influence the decision of teens to drink by their responsible actions as parents and attitudes toward drinking and obeying law. Parents’ attitude toward alcohol abuse is a powerful tool in preventing it in their children. Be vigilant in preventing underage drinking. It could save lives.

HINTS FOR HELPING AN ADHD CHILD 

1.  When communicating with an ADHD child, use one-on-one 

communication.  Stand close to the child.  Establish eye contact, 

then touch the child on the shoulder or say the child’s name to get 

their attention. 

2.  Have a written communication system set up with parents so that 

they know what is expected of the child.   Big assignments should 

be broken down into smaller manageable segments. 

3.  After recess, offer a calming activity, such as art, reading, or any 

activity that will encourage a child to focus. 

4.  Make success possible.  Create charts that show progress each 

day with assignments.  Make goals and expectations realistic for 

the child.  If the child cannot handle group work, provide an 

alternative assignment for him or her. 

5.  Use a code word for the child that he/she understands when 

behavior is inappropriate (such as being out of his/her seat, 

daydreaming, talking). 

6.  Determine the child’s strengths and create ways to build on them. 

7.  Encourage the child’s participation in individual sports such as 

swimming or track. 

8.  Encourage the use of a tutor when necessary.  You may suggest a 

high school student who is ADHD and has learned to compensate 

for the problem. 

9.  Try to give more individualized instruction and allow an aide, 

volunteer or peer tutor to work with the child when possible. 

10. Reward the child for small accomplishments.