Communication between a man and woman occurs on many different levels. Understanding how talking to one another can become so confused is easy because men and women are so different in their approach to everything; yet they are attracted to each other.

I found this story on the internet about how not to communicate. “A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first person to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 a.m.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife had not wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up.” The silent treatment is not the best way to effectively get your point across to someone! Neither is retaliation!

Effective communication is important. The quality of life is based on being able to communicate ideas and feelings. In our jobs, communication skills may be more important than the job skill we perform. We must be able to effectively communicate with others, regardless of the type job or profession in which you work.

Families must learn to communicate effectively to enhance relationships. Think about how people learn to communicate. We imitate what we hear and see from the time we are born. If we are not taught to communicate properly with others, we will suffer in our relationships. Words have power to destroy or control another person. Verbal abuse, ridicule, sexual/racial harassment, cursing, lying are all inappropriate ways to use words. Poor communication skills lead to conflict. Conflict in a marriage leads to a difficult marriage relationship or divorce.

Words that encourage or affirm others will strengthen relationships and build self-esteem. Think about how you feel when someone compliments you on the outfit you are wearing or a task completed. We all like to hear positive words and should make the effort to encourage others with our words. Effective communication is a LEARNED behavior. Our words reveal our character. We are what we think about so THINK before you speak. Focusing on better communication will build better relationships.

When conflict occurs, how do we handle it? Yelling? Sulking? Retaliating? Lying? Conflict must be resolved in an appropriate way so that the problem can be solved. How do we fight fair? Here are several points to help in conflict resolution:

1. Is the issue really that important? Or is it something you can overlook? Decide if you are really angry or simply annoyed? Exactly what is it that you dislike? Do you really want this change or do you just want to pick a fight to hurt the other person?
2. Decide when and where to confront. If it’s not a major issue, perhaps it can be discussed over the phone. Emotionally charged issues can be addressed in carefully written letters or notes that may be more effective in bringing out a solution. Time can be given to writing down thoughts, expressing concerns, and offering solutions especially when emotions are high. Letters can convey the message without the emotion attached to them (unless you highlight, use bold print, or exclamation marks!). If the conflict is significant and emotional control is a concern, make arrangements to meet the person in a neutral environment—restaurant, library, etc. so you’re more likely to be on your best behavior and not elevate your voice. Set a time to deal with the conflict soon after the conflict occurs so that you don’t hold in the frustration, allow it to build, and then blow up at a later time when several issues need resolving.
3. State the problem clearly and simply. Focus on the behavior without attacking the person. For example, the problem may be a parent’s tardiness in picking up children. You might say, “I have a problem with the children’s visitation on weekends being changed or cancelled without adequate notice.” You have stated the problem in one sentence and not attacked the person. If you say, “You are so irresponsible. You better be here at 6 pm to pick up the children on your weekend or send somebody else for them, no excuses,” the other person will become defensive and respond to your criticisms of them as a person rather than your concerns.
4. Share your feelings appropriately. Use “I” messages to describe how you feel: hurt, angry, disappointed, confused. Say, “I am really annoyed when you call me on Friday afternoon and say you can’t keep the kids this weekend.” Take responsibility for your feelings and solicit help to change those feelings. “What can we do to change this situation so that I am not angry and the kids’ schedules are not changed at the last minute?” Avoid “you” messages that place blame and cause the person being criticized to be defensive, such as, “You are being unfair and irresponsible when you don’t keep the kids when it is your weekend.” “You” messages place blame and put up a wall of defense against you. The person will defend the critical words rather than try to change the behavior.
5. State clearly a solution or proposal to solve the problem. Be specific about a solution. “I need you to call me on Monday morning if you are not going to keep the kids the coming weekend and let’s discuss possible care options, can you do that?”
6. Outline consequences. Describe any practical benefit for change. For example, you may say, “If you can’t keep them on your weekend, we need to talk about this early. In the event that I have already made plans for the weekend, we can be assured that the kids are cared for. Maybe we can come up with an alternate plan.” Don’t make empty threats or predict dire consequences that are out of proportion to the problem. Ex. “If you can’t keep them on your weekend, they will just have to stay at your house anyway by themselves. I have other plans. Maybe they won’t get into any trouble.”
7. Allow time for a response. Ask for a response that is directed to a proposal for change. If a verbal attack or hostility is the response, re-affirm your need for a proposed solution to the problem. If the person is in agreement to your solution, re-state the problem and solution to clarify. If “no” is the answer, offer another solution or ask for possible suggestions. If an agreement can’t be met, take time out. Agree to meet again and discuss it. Set a time and place in the near future. Ask the person to help you think about a resolution. Discuss it the next time you meet.

Resolving conflict depends on the person you are dealing with, how you communicate with each other, specific personality types, emotions involved, the seriousness of the conflict and other factors. It also requires listening to discern the other person’s feelings.

Communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our waking hours communicating. It consists of reading, writing, listening and speaking. The ability to do these things well is absolutely critical to our effectiveness as communicators. We must recognize that speaking and listening are equally important in communication. When conflict occurs, think about the guidelines listed to help you effectively communicate the problem and brainstorm a solution.